A Tale of Two Mamas
Trying to keep someone IN timeout
Archive for Cancer
March 6, 2008 at 7:59 am · Filed under Cancer
We must have unknowingly snuck into New York City yesterday. I thought we had told our friends and family but all of a sudden we receive a few calls on the way up from friends who had no idea we were out of town.
We woke up at 5:30am and left the house at around 7:30 or so. Graem was not in the best of moods and despite our attempts of packing the night before - it just didn’t happen.
The drive was pretty good and when we left Ithaca it was icy and really cold. Upon entering New Jersey it was a beautiful 55 degrees and the sun was shining. We felt like we had hit the jackpot and made a wrong turn towards Florida!
When we got to the house you could tell that Margot’s dad was glad to see her. He had just started the treatment to cleanse his bowel and colon before the surgery and was able to talk. His coloring was good and he even held Graem.
Throughout his treatment his pain level changed and the obstruction of his bowel started to hurt and by this morning he started bleeding again.
When he was lying down taking a nap we decided to head out for a little bit and check out a baby store. This great place specializes in strollers and they had hundreds - wall to wall. Of course, it was like heaven to me because I always see these great strollers in the city and wonder where everyone gets them.
We tried out a few different strollers and ended up purchasing the bright green Phil and Ted’s stroller with an orange Mr. B - NYC bag. Graem loved the stroller too and didn’t want to get out of it, even though we told her we were going to buy it! The stroller is highly functional and I think it will be perfect for Ithaca days when the snow is too much to trench through. Plus, baby Emerson can ride “bitch” in the back.
We weren’t out for long and decided to go back to the house to check on Margot’s dad. When we game in he had tried to hook himself up to an IV, again. He was feeling more pain too. We hung out with him and then we had to leave to pick up Auntie Lupe at La Guardia airport.
Margot went in and found her and I stayed in the loading zone with Graem. Thank heavens Graem decided to go to sleep in her carseat because it would have been a long one hour wait with some crying on the side!
This morning Margot, Dennis, Gala, and Lupe all took Margot’s dad in for the surgery at Beth Israel Hospital in Manhattan. His surgery isn’t scheduled til 11:30 or they had to get here early for some pre-op stuff. I was shocked to hear that the surgery is scheduled for six hours.
When Graem gets up I’m going to feed her, wash up, and I think we might either hang out in Brooklyn or we might be brave enough to head up to the hospital in Manhattan via subway. I’d have to walk about 4 blocks in Brooklyn and a few blocks in Manhattan. Plus, I think there is one transfer. It doesn’t sound too bad and if Graem is on board with walking I won’t have to carry the stroller up the stairs.
I just hope and pray that he comes out of the surgery pain free and that the cancer is gone for good.
February 29, 2008 at 7:25 pm · Filed under Cancer
I’ve caught up on all my blog reading that I’ve been ignoring for the past few weeks, played as much Scramble and Scrabulous that my little heart could desire, and eaten way more than I should have. In fact, this is what I’ve eaten so far today: a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast; fried fish and beet salad for lunch; chicken livers and more beet salad washed down with white wine for dinner.
I’m sporting a light buzz now, but I haven’t forgotten to feed and water my dad so far. He’s doing a bit better after the IV fluids: he had a full bowl of vegetable soup and chicken livers for lunch, and a bowl of fish congee for dinner. He’s had about a full liter of Gatorade and a couple of glasses of apple juice today, so I’m kind of hopeful. He was prescribed a patch for pain control, so we’re waiting for that to kick in–it’s slow-release, so they said 14-24 hours for it to kick in. And it should last 72 hours, so hopefully we’ll be able to get him into surgery on Thursday. No pain = eating & drinking.
For other entertainment, I’ve been watching Barbie, the teacup Yorkie hump my dad’s girlfriend’s foot. Complete with grunting and panting. FUN.
February 29, 2008 at 8:18 am · Filed under Cancer
only with fewer margaritas and more IVs. I got in at a respectable hour yesterday afternoon, and made good time in spite of a couple of accidents and construction on the way down. I found my way into the house to find my dad in bed hooked up to an IV, gasping for breath. He pretty much stayed the same way throughout the night–he wasn’t able to eat or drink much. At one point, he started crying about how much pain he is in, and how he has had so much suffering in his life already. I just held him.
It is painfully quiet here, and there’s not much to do. All of a sudden, without Grammy and Shawna around, I have all this time on my hands. And I can’t really clean, lest I “offend” anyone, or disturb my dad with the commotion. I stayed up late and just played Scrabulous and Scramble–I couldn’t really sleep because I chugged coffee to stay awake on the drive down, plus my back hurt and the radiator sounds like the room is slowly filling up with water. I’m starting to get sick–it always happens when I’m away from work.
I’m taking my dad to two appointments today: one for blood work, and another for a four-hour nuclear stress test. I don’t know how he’ll fare; in spite of not being able to breathe, my dad is still smoking. I think we will try to get him admitted prior to the surgery, otherwise he will be in no state to tolerate surgery.
It was hard sleeping last night without my girls… I can’t wait to be back home.
February 23, 2008 at 6:45 am · Filed under Cancer, Life and Death
I cry all the time now–I cry at work, I cry when I get home, I cry when I wake up and can’t sleep any more. I don’t want my dad to die, I don’t want to bury 2 parents in less than a year. Then I start thinking about my mom, and I start missing her–the idea of her, I guess. I google her, and I find articles she’s written, people she used to work with. I google those people–I vaguely remember meeting some of them in her lab. I remember spending Saturdays at the lab with Dennis, our only entertainment the stinky mice they studied and beakers.
I toy with the idea of emailing those people. I want to know who she was…but then I wonder if I should just let it lie, and let the dead stay dead. Would they even remember her? How could they not…to spend years of research together, and then have a partner (in so many ways…) just vanish. Did they call? Did they wonder? I was too young to wonder or notice.
And then last night I thought of where I want to spread my mom’s ashes: Wave Hill, along the Hudson River waterfront where we grew up. My mom used to take us there–one of the few remaining memories I have. Respite for her on a weekend, rolling down hills and playing around the koi pond for Dennis and me. I also thought it would be an interesting counterpoint to what I do for a living–it would be interesting to revisit it now as an adult and a landscape architect. Different eyes. I wonder if that huge beech tree is still there, if the gardens are still the same. I just remembered how in high school a friend and I made pesto at home for lunch, and then drove over there to have a picnic.
My dad, my poor dad. It’s not fair, he just finally kicked all the drugs, and we’re just starting to rebuild our relationship. More around Graem now. I watch him interact with her, and it reminds me of how he was when Dennis and I were kids. He was a great dad, once. He was the one we always wanted to play with and spend time with, not my mom. He was just more fun.
I can’t remember when he became so frail, it was a few years ago. I guess it must have happened when I moved out of the house for college, and came to visit less and less. All my memories of my dad are of a strong, arrogant, garrulous person with a sometimes fiery temper. When Dennis and I were about 2 and 5, he could lift the two of us, one in each hand, arms outstretched. The push-ups, the chin-ups, the martial arts that he would show off to us and encourage us to do…and now he spends most of his time in his massage chair, or in bed. I suppose the loss and pain in his life, the drugs, the cancer–all have diluted him to what he is now. I just missed when it happened.
I hope–pray–that he kicks this. I feel like we’re so close, he has struggled through so much with the chemo and radiation, suffered so much nearly alone. He just has to make it to this surgery–then all will have been done, all that could have been done. The rest is up to the universe.
February 22, 2008 at 8:35 am · Filed under Cancer
The past few days have really been a roller coaster ride. Margot’s father has not been doing well and the fight with cancer has really taken its toll on his system both physically and mentally.
Sunday night we got the call that he was bleeding and his blood pressure kept falling pretty low. All night Margot and Dennis were on the phone with doctors and family trying to figure out what to do. Finally, her brother ended up taking their dad into the hospital ER for evaluation and he ended up being admitted for a few days. During that stay he received a blood transfusion and was discharged Tuesday.
Wednesday night he had the same symptoms and although not as severe, equally scary. Margot spoke with the doctor who said that her dad could wait til morning for an appointment. So he ended up going in Thursday morning to see the doctor and get blood levels. They showed that he needed yet another blood transfusion which is planned for today.
Last night at 4am Margot’s brother got a call from a very scared father who was lonely and really needed to have someone around. I think his fear at this point is that he will die and not be surrounded by people he loves and cares for.
At this point we’re trying to figure out a game plan for the upcoming days and weeks. Margot’s brother is taking today off and planning on taking their dad in for the blood transfusion and possibly talking to the doctor about moving the surgery scheduled for March 6th to an earlier date so that he will stop being in so much pain. Basically, the surgery involves taking part of the colon out (the part that’s causing the bleeding) and then reattaching the colon together. However, for the recovery time her father would need an ileostomy which would need to be changed and cared for so that the area can heal.
Right now the plan is for Margot to head to New York tonight or tomorrow. We are looking into her either taking the luxury bus up to the city that offers wi-fi and drops her off in Manhattan. The other option is for us to all go and for Margot and Graem to leave Sunday and me to stay a few extra days and take care of their dad.
Margot’s stressed about work because there’s so much going on and it’d be equally hard to pass on the information to other people at the firm. Plus, she’d much rather use time to take care of her dad pre- and post-surgery when she’s really needed. Plus, Graem has daycare Monday and Tuesday and since I don’t work…it just makes sense that I take over a little bit.
Margot’s brother has been amazing through all of this and I know it’s been emotionally and physically draining for him. Not to mention, he has a job and has had to call in to go to appointments and take care of their dad.
If you’re a prayer or a meditator….please send Margot’s family a positive thought or prayer for the upcoming days and weeks. I can’t imagine it’s going to get much easier any time soon.
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