Happy New Year.

December 31, 2006 at 10:29 am · Filed under Actual posts about being moms, Baby Project 2, Blogroll

This New Year has already started off much different than I ever thought it would.   A few weeks ago I thought 2007 would bring us a new life.   

Yesterday, I looked on CNN.com to find that they had hung Saddam Hussein.  

The life of one man very sick man is taken - while the life that we started out of love couldn’t muster up enough strength to start up a heartbeat in the womb.   

I really do feel that everything always happens for a reason and I pray that 2007 brings us happiness, health, and a new baby.
 

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Such a great night.

December 30, 2006 at 9:42 pm · Filed under Actual posts about being moms, Baby Project 2, Food, Gaming

Tonight the adults (Margot, Dennis and me) went out for a fantastic dinner and dessert.   We had dinner at the tapas restaurant Just a Taste and then went over to Madeline’s for their amazing desserts.

It was nice to have an uninterruped meal and not have to worry about Grammy running free in the restaurant or harassing other patrons.

We had great conversation, good food, and overall a nice time.

Then we picked Graem up….

and boy did we miss her!   Of course, she was the topic of many conversations at the dinner table.    On the way home from Laura and Lydia’s Grammy broke out in full song singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and “ABC’s”.   It was a family affair in the car and we all ended up singing and even harmonizing too! 

A great night was had by all….and now we get to play Wii!  

Of course, this isn’t to say that I didn’t get sad today.   I did cry once in the bathroom at Just-A-Taste…   but this too shall pass.   The whole pregnant waitress thing and small baby sitting next to us was like an instant tear alarm.

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Ready to move on…

December 30, 2006 at 4:11 pm · Filed under Baby Project 2

So, I think I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m tired of being sad and I’m just ready to move on with my life.   That’s not to say I still don’t have sad moments.   But I just don’t feel like I can do it anymore.

Last night Margot and me laid in bed and talked.   It was good to get everything out in the open and to also talk about “the next step.”

Our fertility center called this morning to see how I was doing.   It was so nice that they took the time out to call and I have an appointment scheduled this Thursday where I think they’ll do an ultrasound and probably bloodwork.

I think once I get my period (probably 6-8 weeks) I might be able to start another cycle.   I feel like I’m quite detached from the whole situation and maybe I’m just going through the motions…but I also feeled a renewed sense of hope.  

I mean…the good thing is I did get pregnant.   It just wasn’t with a good egg.   Hopefully, next time I’ll have a good egg or two out of the bunch and it might work.

I guess I’ve just got to keep the faith — it’ll happen someday.

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Thank you.

December 29, 2006 at 10:25 pm · Filed under Baby Project 2

Thank you so much to everyone that has commented, called, and come over during the past few days.   Your kind words, hugs, emails, and phone messages have been so touching and made an unbearable experience a little more tolerable.

We will get through this and just like the whole infertility process from years before…I’m sure we’ll be better people and parents in the end.

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Potentiality

December 29, 2006 at 4:39 pm · Filed under Baby Project 2

Something I keep thinking about is how thankful that this m/c didn’t happen later on in the pregnancy–and that it was before we saw a heartbeat. I think it makes it a little easier on me.

But there’s another part of me that thinks of the need and want that created this pregnancy–that it gave it a life and a soul so much more than science can explain. The little ceremony we did helped me find closure–I really felt the need to put away the remains that were sitting on our counter, to “tidy up” in some spiritual and philosophical way. It was good to be able to share our grief with Dennis and Bud and Lydia. Grammy was in the swing, laughing as we cried.
I keep debating with myself how much to ritualize the whole process–how much will help, and then how much is too much. It’s especially hard that it happened on Graem’s birthday–but I don’t think trying to forget is the appropriate thing to do, at least not now. Like I wonder if it would be appropriate to light a candle on Grammy’s birthday, just as a remembrance.

I’ve been so glad to have Grammy around, she helps bring us back to reality–and in a way forces us to live our lives in spite of our grief. It was heartbreaking after the ceremony–when we all came back inside, Graem totally lost it and was inconsolable. It was as if she had absorbed all our collective grief, and didn’t know what to do with it or how to deal with it. She asked for a ba-ba, but then didn’t really want it; she asked to go night-night but then cried when I took her upstairs; she asked for Uncle Den Den and Mama, but then cried when I came back down to be near them. I could tell she wanted to be near everyone, but was overwhelmed by the emotion and the feeling in the air. I wanted to reinforce and explain to her that what she was feeling was sadness, and that it was okay. It took a good amount of time and a few potato chips and dip to get her calmed down. I think she’s back to her chipper, ABC-singing, anti-napping self for the time being, but I do want to keep an eye on her and make sure that the sadness doesn’t overwhelm.

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