JUNE 2008 PHOTOS
Are now up and running! We posted them a while back but for some reason they weren’t showing up. Tonight I went to the link and they’re now working. What’s up with that?
You can click June Photos to see them!
A Tale of Two Mamas
Trying to keep someone IN timeoutArchive for December, 2008
What happened?
I bought some video cards at the store the other day and I have no idea why they aren’t working.
I tried formatting them on the computer too and I keep getting error messages.
My whole thought was that I’d copy all of the pictures we have on our storage drive and save them for my mother and father as a Christmas gift.
Maybe I need to take these cards back and just burn the photos to CDs…. Of course, it will probably take 20 CD’s!
Our almost four year old.
It’s so hard to believe that Graem will be four years old tomorrow! Time has gone by so fast and with that I have so many regrets.
I regret the fact that I was so focused on getting pregnant that many times I ignored the needs of Graem to have a pity party for myself.
I regret the fact that I took my family all over the U.S. to try to get pregnant.
I regret not quitting corporate America sooner so that I didn’t miss out on the first six months of her life.
Graem is such an amazing little girl. She’s very VERY smart and along with starting to read she has a great vocabulary. The one thing that I love most about her though isn’t how smart she is…but that she is such a sensitive little person. She can light up the room with her smile and she’s the only person that can make Emmy laugh.
Happy birthday, Graem!
I love being your mama and each day you make me so proud.
No new house for us.
Well, after all is said and done … we didn’t get the other house.
We’re pretty bummed but also realize that this time it just wasn’t meant to be. We’ve also put the selling of our house on hold.
Margot tried to negotiate with me yesterday and say that if I “let” her stay here and add on to the kitchen and a new family room upstairs (complete with home theater lighting and a new television) that she would “let” me have another baby….
Hmm…food for thought?
Dear Dad
Christmas is nearly over–the family is finally asleep after a long day of unwrapping gifts, eating and playing. Graem got a ton of toys, and best of all, bunk beds. She’s actually sleeping in them right now, which is an achievement for us.
I thought I’d see you again for one more Christmas–it brings tears to my eyes thinking of the anxiety every holiday would bring as I struggled to balance a visit with you with my family. I was hoping you would get to see the kids open their gifts. I especially wanted you to see that Graem is reading–I can almost hear your voice boasting about how I was reading at three, and here Graem is three days shy of four.
I still can’t believe you’re gone; I can still hear your voice from the last phone call I had with you. I knew something was wrong, the way you asked to see me and Dennis, “just your two kids and no one else.” If only I had listened… I would have seen you one last time. I miss you so much, and now am so sorry that I felt you were an inconvenience at times. I cry about you a lot–at work, in the car, in my sleep.
What I miss about you the most is the comfort knowing that you were there. I could always ask you about something, anything. Not that I did–I know I often acted like I already knew it all. But now that you’re gone, I’ll be doing something, wondering what to do next, and automatically think to myself, “I can just ask Dad.” But now I can’t. I often wonder about what things you had left to show me or teach me. Or if there were any recipes I forgot to get from you.
My memories keep bringing me back to February of last year, when we went to Chinatown for Chinese New Year together. Every time I look back at those few photos, I realize how sick and fatigued you were, but how much you wanted to go. It will always mean something to me, spending those few hours with you and Dennis, Shawna and Graem. It was the trip that you showed me which salted fish it was I had to buy–is it called ham gui? I don’t even know the name of it–but I was worried that I would never know how to buy it or find it, and that I would lose those dishes that you used to make for us.
Graem cries for you every now and then, slowly more infrequently. It’s so hard to see her cry about you, because inevitably I start crying too. And then I beat myself up for not being strong for her. But I can’t lie to her, I tell her I miss you too and that I’m sad. Then I tell her that she won’t be sad forever, and that we have to remember you. I am so thankful that she knows who you are, and that we have photos and a movie of you together for her to remember, and to help tell her little sister about you. And I’m glad that you got to meet Emmy–we’ll always remember how you called her Little Buddha. She’s only gotten chunkier since you saw her! And she smiles so much.
I am so thankful for these kids. I really think that without them I would have gone nuts with grief. But they make me keep going, and certainly make me smile when I don’t think I can.
I hope you can see and hear us, wherever you are. I hope you can see how much we all miss you and love you.
Love,
Margot
