It’s bizarre to think that this time last week we were looking at our baby on the ultrasound machine and being reassured that everything was going to be alright and no sign of stress or trauma.

Today, I went to the doctor and the Nurse Practitioner did an ultrasound.   Of course, there’s nothing to be seen - except tons of lining.   She said that I had passed about 1/2 of it but still had a lot to go.   She offered a D&C but I just don’t want to go that route and feel that it would be better and more natural if I just let it pass by itself.

They also did bloodwork and my HCG had gone from like 15,000 back down to 117.   So they are guessing that by next week my HCG will be zero again.

They also gave me a shot of Rhogam - this is because my bloodtype is A- and the donor’s is A+.   Basically, if you get pregnant with +/- blood you can build up antibodies and have problems getting pregnant again.   So that’s why I got the shot. 

We also talked about starting up again and they said that we could start up with my next period.   Basically, we’d do everything including the dosing and insemination the exact same.

I also called the sperm bank on the way back home and our donor has had 6 miscarriages.   That seems like a lot.   However, it could just be the different women using him.   Also, maybe women that have had gyno problems or are older have been trying with him.

What’s bizarre is that if I took a pregnancy test it would still show up pregnant.

The whole way up to the fertility center I cried, and of course while I was there I cried, and even driving home I cried.    It just won’t stop coming out.   I feel so incredibly sad and what’s horrible is that I don’t know how to feel better.

Margot’s been amazing and so supportive but I know she’s hurting now too and just wants to help me.  

I just wish there was a light at the end of the tunnel.   A guarantee that in the next year or two I would have a baby in my arms.