Something I keep thinking about is how thankful that this m/c didn’t happen later on in the pregnancy–and that it was before we saw a heartbeat. I think it makes it a little easier on me.

But there’s another part of me that thinks of the need and want that created this pregnancy–that it gave it a life and a soul so much more than science can explain. The little ceremony we did helped me find closure–I really felt the need to put away the remains that were sitting on our counter, to “tidy up” in some spiritual and philosophical way. It was good to be able to share our grief with Dennis and Bud and Lydia. Grammy was in the swing, laughing as we cried.
I keep debating with myself how much to ritualize the whole process–how much will help, and then how much is too much. It’s especially hard that it happened on Graem’s birthday–but I don’t think trying to forget is the appropriate thing to do, at least not now. Like I wonder if it would be appropriate to light a candle on Grammy’s birthday, just as a remembrance.

I’ve been so glad to have Grammy around, she helps bring us back to reality–and in a way forces us to live our lives in spite of our grief. It was heartbreaking after the ceremony–when we all came back inside, Graem totally lost it and was inconsolable. It was as if she had absorbed all our collective grief, and didn’t know what to do with it or how to deal with it. She asked for a ba-ba, but then didn’t really want it; she asked to go night-night but then cried when I took her upstairs; she asked for Uncle Den Den and Mama, but then cried when I came back down to be near them. I could tell she wanted to be near everyone, but was overwhelmed by the emotion and the feeling in the air. I wanted to reinforce and explain to her that what she was feeling was sadness, and that it was okay. It took a good amount of time and a few potato chips and dip to get her calmed down. I think she’s back to her chipper, ABC-singing, anti-napping self for the time being, but I do want to keep an eye on her and make sure that the sadness doesn’t overwhelm.